Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
