new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
