I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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