Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
