They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
