i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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