I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize