im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
