ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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