Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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