Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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