I will die if light touches me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
