she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize