My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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