a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize