i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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