Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
