look no pants
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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