Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
