he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
