Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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