sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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