About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
