Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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