The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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