Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
