I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
