How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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