my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
