Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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