yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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