i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
