also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize