Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
