I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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