I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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