mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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