Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
