theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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