We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
