There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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