My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
