im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
