I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
