Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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