You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
