i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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