new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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