I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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