i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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