I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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