Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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