I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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