we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
two words: eviction party
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
