Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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