Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
