It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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