Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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