for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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