No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This beer is not sobering me up at all
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
