I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
