Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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