my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
