The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
