He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize