So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
