I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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