the condom got lost in my hair
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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