the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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