Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
