when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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