I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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