Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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