this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
